“When you find no solution to a problem, it’s probably not a problem to be solved, but a truth to be accepted.” ~Unknown
For the longest time, I swore I’d never get married or have kids.
Growing up with an alcoholic father, in a domestic violence situation, shattered my young spirit and left me putting the pieces back together for years.
Since I didn’t see healthy coping skills growing up, it’s no wonder I grappled with my own addictive behaviors. I struggled with self-worth, focusing solely on accomplishments to fill a void inside of myself.
Externally, people saw a well-adjusted, smart girl who excelled at sports and was a natural leader, with plenty of friends.
All seemed well.
Internally, I was dying, and I’d take anything I could get my hands on to escape my reality. I used work, relationships, and substances to make myself feel better for a short while.
However, self-loathing runs deep and it eventually won the day.
I wasn’t enough, and there wasn’t anything sustainable that would make me feel okay about myself for any length of time. I didn’t realize it then, but what I really wanted wasn’t to merely the fill the void; I was longing for a connection to my authentic self. But I couldn’t figure out how to create it.
My emotional suffering was crippling.
While other people were getting married and having babies, I was surviving the day between emotional highs and lows and barely holding on to any form of functioning.
Though I had vowed never to get married or have kids, I secretly longed for it. I’d disavowed it only because it didn’t seem possible for me.
Plus, how would I ever bring a child into this mess of a life?
When my self-destruction hit a crossroads of kill myself or live, I chose to heal and get better so that I could be a healthy person for myself right then and perhaps for a partner and child in the future.
I wanted to be the healthiest version of myself, and thinking about what might be helped me get present to what needed to be healed.
Part of the journey back to my true self was about learning unconditional self-love. Hearing the paradigm that I’m a spiritual being having a human experience opened up an avenue of self-loving within me that I had never experienced before.
I focused diligently on having a healthy relationship with myself by engaging a daily self-care practice that included positive affirmations, physical exercise, self-forgiveness, and connecting to…